I always used to lament that I had a parasite on my brain. I lamented it because it caused me to be emotionally numb. It caused me not to care about things. I had knowledge of things but no feeling and it might have gotten on my nerves only nerves were strangers to me. Sometimes it would have been nice to cry at the drop of a hat, if it were someone's favourite hat you know and it got mussed up.
Well feelings maybe weren't all they were cracked up to be. Sometimes I would still like to have feelings about things, but as long as this thing is mooching off my sentiment, I might just as well grasp the glory of it. I even came up with a nobler name for the bug. I wasn't apathetic. I was stoic.
Being stoic is cool because you never have to get your feelings hurt. Not only that, but if someone stabs you in the back you can just shrug it off and if you have a really good surgeon, it's like it never happened at all. Being stoic also makes you look like Mother Teresa because you never get mad, and though looking like an aged saint is tough for a young man, I do it because I like to be pat on the back. Being stoic lets you choose your attitude. Naturally I choose happy. I'm always happy.
Sometimes, however, this bug slowly pulls its jaws from around my perception and then a kind of lead settles in on my heart, and frankly lead is a close cousin to bullets and I don't like having those near my heart, so I stall, "Whoa whoa whoa pal! Where do you think your going? I have a whole lifetime of unpleasant feelings for you to feast on!" And so he settles back in snugly and I relax in my drugged up happiness.
But sometimes maybe I think that I should have it removed or pour some salt on it or something. Sometimes I think maybe I'm called to something higher and something relational. Sometimes I think this way of living is unhealthy. I should man up and play cards with a real stoicity and I'd let it win. It's how we are supposed to feel. It's the truth.
Then I stop thinking about those things. I don't think about things I don't like to think about.
Hmmm. I really love this one.
ReplyDeleteThe truth will set you free, just remember that the heart is deceitful.
I second Virginia. This is so good. You know how I feel about health...Well this is unhealthy. You will have to choose right from wrong. I think that I can say this is wrong.--Forgive with pain. Jesus forgave with pain and gave with pain. When you choose to live like this you reflect the Son.--Your choice however calls for nothing sacrifice. You cannot experience true life, love, grace, forgiveness, pain and joy unless you allow God to touch those parts in your heart with a hand that you can feel. What of adventure? You cannot tryly experience all that you hope.--Unhealthy.
ReplyDeleteI love this one Mitchell. Your honesty is most wonderful. "Sometimes it would have been nice to cry at the drop of a hat, if it were someone's favourite hat you know and it got mussed up."-Like much *smile*
Thanks for the thought.