Jesus and I

I know that Jesus is real. I've never been able to shake that. That's always been something of a secular problem for me, and my spirit just loves that upper hand.

So this I know. I am a cynic and I can argue on both sides of the existence of God and Jesus as Lord. I could be an atheist's best friend in an argument.

But none of that matters. I know. I've tried to prove it untrue, but my mental eloquence makes no difference to the truth.

So I know that. So what?

Sometimes I lie awake at night and in my heart Jesus and I are in a deep wood. Out there in "all that dark and all that cold." And He is teaching me things and we just have some conversation and I ask Him questions and He recommends books and songs. And then I lie down to sleep and I remember that I've been a jerk to Him, but He doesn't. He just throws another heavy blanket over my shoulders and stirs the fire. That's just how it comes to mind.

And when I wake up by a smoking pile of sticks, He's gone. I don't mean gone as in I won't see Him again, I just mean He isn't right there. But I know that whenever I've hit the wire and there's nothing I can do He's there. And when life kicks the crap out of me He's there. He's a good man. People have a problem with that because it makes Him sound tame but He's not that. He's a warrior and a fighter and He's tougher than I. But He's still a good man.

The human race is pretty feminine. That's why we're the bride.

I don't know. God always shows up and I forget that sometimes. I tell people God never talks to me. I tell people I've never seen God. That's a fact. But when has He let me down? I don't know why He keeps stepping between me and my enemies, who I invite in my own home.

I think He must love the heck out of me.

Sometimes I sin. But sometimes I don't, and it's those times that I imagine God is beside me screaming and yelling "Don't quit! Don't quit! Don't quit! You can let that go! I believe you can do it! Look at me, look! We can take this! Say it to me! Say you won't let go!" And His eyelids are like white mud and they are circled by bruise colored fatigue because he's been staying up with me night after night after night begging me not to relent, reminding me how much He loves me and How much He is moved by me.

Sometimes I am sad. Often I am, but I'm a thespian with a cause. Still, sometimes it gets to be too much and in my mind I'm making a speech before a crowd and the burden is too much and I start to collapse but he catches me under my arms and whispers in my ears the words to my speech and I spit them out with passion and tears.

I walk outside sometimes and I can understand the proverb "a fool says in his heart 'there is no God,'" because I see glory and glory and glory everywhere. You would have to be stupid to think it all just happened right?

There are inexplicable feelings. Let's not blame them on chemicals.

I know that God loves me with the truest love. I know that the facts that "God loves you" and "Jesus Saves" are cliche. But I know that all cliches are great truths and that there is a reason they have been repeated and repeated and repeated. I know that God love me. I know that I can know Jesus. I know that "the same things win that always won." I know that God's love won't ever become antiquated or outdated.

I know that for whatever reason God is captivated by me. I know that He is stricken with emotion at each action I take. I know He is smitten with my journey towards Him. I know He is excited for my pilgrimage. I know He is devastated by my falls and hurt by my abandonment. My waste. I know every second is an ache when I am prodigal. I know He is angered by my sin. I know He is jealous for my attentions.

There are house fires everywhere you turn. I know people are burning to the ground. It's during these times that I imagine that I know a guy that can put it out. He's bigger and faster and stronger than I and He's the only man for the job. And I know He's on the other side of a forest and across plains in His home and all I have to do is run there and get Him, but sometimes I am too lazy to do that. But if I would just go and get Him, I know He'd take care of it.

Sometimes I lay in a a creek half-faced in cold water and he jerks me up and thuds His big hands across my face a time or two and He says to me, "Stop being stupid, I saved you're life." And that's why I get up and do his bidding. Carry out His mission. A knight loyal to my King. A son loyal to His Father.

Sometimes I hear a song and I tell Him it reminds me of Him.

He is the cause, citizens, that we fight for. He is something worth being passionate about. How sad that I can find time to be cynical about that.

I don't want to hide this fact, but neither do I want to present it in the wrong light.

Jesus and I are in something of a relationship. Because, we do things together. Generally it's me being a bad friend, son, subject, or whatever else you want to say. But when God is done raising His child I will be a warrior. Polished, but oh so rough around the edges. "I'm flawed, but I'm cleaning up so well, I am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yourself." You've known what I was made of all along. You've always known what you were doing and you've always loved me. He's proud of me.

I'm just going to be frank with you, I love Jesus Christ.

May my life testify to that.